War Stories
Tips on how to tell your tale without boring the rest of us.

by Joe THE / DiscLife.com
January 20, 2001

War stories. We all have them. The tournament that got freaky weather all day. The disc that impaled itself on a branch. The most awesome shot you've ever thrown was knocked off its flight path because a rabid squirrel threw a nut that managed to hit your disc as it was passing. Your roller came to rest at the top of a tree. Whatever. War stories.

There's really no problem with the stories that golfers tell other golfers. I myself love to hear about someone's latest ace. Those are the best stories because most aces are accidents… mind you, they are GREAT accidents, but, accidents none the less. The problem is the golfer who rambles on and on and on with his disc golf stories.

I'll concede that golfers should be excited when they shoot well. I know that I certainly feel a sense of accomplishment when, after missing the first six attempts, my putt finally finds its mark and actually stays in the basket. But, I'd like to see if I could convince other golfers that war stories are not the way to keep another anyoner's attention. Here's some tips on telling those stories, if you really really must.

1. I am speaking from experience here, so bear with me. There is a golfer that I know in my area (Philadelphia, PA/Western PA/New Jersey/Delaware/Planet Earth) who insists on finding me at every tournament, and then taking me through his warm-up. Now, I'm not just talking about this guy's putting practice. Oh no… I get to hear about the stretching routine; the warm up putts and how they just missed the basket left, right, short, or too high; the first warm-up drive, and how it just missed the tree on the left and then s'ed its way down the fairway to park itself underneath the basket (of course, the player is now doomed to a bogey when the tournament actually starts after 'wasting' this drive); his follow-up putt to the awesome drive; then the drive on the next warm-up hole, on which the disc whacked a tree, and fell into a bush; trying to find a comfortable position to throw the warm-up shot from the bush without foot-faulting or getting an arm chewed up by prickly bushes; etc, etc, ad nauseum. Do you see where I'm going with this? I kid you not….I hear about every throw…EVERY THROW…from this guy's warm-up. Being an occasionally overly polite individual, I have tried to find nice ways to tell him (and others suffering from the war story fixation) that I really don't care about hearing about every shot. So far, the only thing that I've found to work is a very polite "Shut the hell up… I don't give a rat's ass." Remember: some -- perhaps even most -- of your stories should remain in the "Keeping It To Myself" file.

2. Keep the details to a minimum. The more stuff you throw into your story, the more likely you are to bore to death the person who has to suffer through your verbal masturbation. If you must tell a story, remember that the temperature, longitude of the sun, color of the tee pad, and type of boxers you wear are not vital. Tell your story to encompass the disc you threw, and what it did. We don't care about how many trees you missed, how many golfers you missed, or every single angle the disc accomplished before finding its way to the fairway or pin. Apply the old clichéd "KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid)" rule to your story. Personally, my ears shut down when a disc golf shot story goes more than 2 minutes. Could be me though…I've decided I have Attention Deficit Disorder, and it doesn't take much to make me tune out boring drivel.

3. Tournaments from more two weeks ago are no longer war story material, unless you were close to winning and it all came down to one final putt, or you had/saw a sbot of a lifetime. So, just tell us about the putt, not everything leading up to the putt. In most cases, a golfer can find the results of any given tournament within a couple of weeks, so anyone who cared to see results will have already looked them up. We know who won, and we know who didn't.

4. On this website, you can read about the adventures and travels of the Winnicrew, as documented by Todd Branch. Hats off to Todd Branch. Todd knows, it seems, that keeping people interested in what you have to say comes from getting to the point, not rambling on and on and on and on and on and on and….ahhhh….where was I? Oh, yeah. Don't ramble. Good work, Todd. (Editor's note: for a smart ass, Joe's quite the brown noser, ain't he? ;-)

5. So which stories are worthy of retelling? Well, right away I'd have to say ACES. Even I've had a few of those elusive little devils in my six-year disc golf career. Probably on the low side, but, I'll take every one of them. And, I remember every one of them also. Suffice to say, all you are going to hear is that I've had three of them (although the one I got on my birthday last year, which broke my 3.5 year ace drought, was pretty worthy!). Other stories to tell: really far (like over 40 feet) birdie or par putts make for good storytelling. Of course, nothing beats actually seeing an awesome shot.

6. If you're telling your story, and you notice that the person who is supposed to be 'listening' to you is glancing around, waving to other golfers, scratching their rump, etc., this is a clear sign that your story has gone on too long. Be sure to get to your point very quickly because you've already lost the listener's attention. Wrap up your tale, and let them go on their way.

7. If you are stuck…er -- have the pleasure -- of listening to someone's story that they've already told you at least once before, stop them by announcing out loud "REPEAT STORY!!!" It works. They'll stop, and most likely, avoid you for all future stories. Consider this your war story inoculation.

8. If you're about to begin telling a war story, and it begins with the two words "Last week," skip it.